TMI?

Infertility is a scary word.  The first time I saw it written on my paper when I left the doctor’s office I cried.  It’s not like I didn’t already know that, I was at the doctor for that reason, but seeing it written down made it so official.   It was a long journey to even get to that point and it was by far not the first time the situation has brought me to tears – and it won’t be the last either.

Fourteen months ago we made the very important decision that we were ready to become parents.  At that point, I thought to myself “six months tops” before we would be pregnant.  The first couple of months were not that bad emotionally.  Of course there was disappointment, but that I had expected.  What I did not expect were the feelings of sadness that overwhelmed me as I found out friend after friend… after friend… was pregnant.  I started to really question myself, wondering why I did not deserve to be happy. Did I do something wrong? Why am I not good enough? (Please for any pregnant friend that is reading this or for any friend that has a new little bundle of joy – don’t be offended or worse, feel sorry for me. I am very happy for you and I love getting to play with all the new babies of the group and I look forward to the ones to come.)  The “tearful episodes” became increasingly worse to the point that one time I felt as if I resembled a 3 year old that had just been told “no.”  Luckily, or not so lucky for him, the Hubby has been able to witness just about every episode.  He has also had the joy of dealing with the bouts of sadness where nothing seems to make me happy.  He gets the joy of looking at me and being able to ask what is wrong before I burst into tears. (Disclaimer: I have an amazing Hubby and during all of the above scenarios he held me, let me cry, and kept reminding me that I am not alone in this)

I am going to be brutally honest.  There is NOTHING you can say that is going to make me feel better.  I know that people mean well when they tell you that it is going to be “okay” or “if you just stop thinking about it, it will happen.”  The best answer I ever got when talking to someone about it, “That really sucks, I am not going to sugar coat it.”  It is okay for me to be sad.  It is okay for me to cry.  It is okay for me to be mad.  Anything I want to feel, I can (and will) feel.  You can be thankful for what you have and still feel sadness for what you don’t have- it is okay.  I know that some of my friends have felt as I do right now and there really is not one word that describes it.  You know when you are learning to run and you get a little better with each run and you are able to see the progress? There is no progress with this goal.  Each month is a pass or fail, a positive or a negative if you will.

The positive at this point is we are getting help medically – emotionally is another story.  We went through the standard rounds of tests and discovered that I don’t necessarily ovulate every month. Think back to your health class, that is kind of a vital part of the process.  For the past two months I have been on hormones, which are a real joy when you are already an emotional train wreck.  The good news is that the hormones appear to be working and maybe our dream will come true.